Tuesday, September 8

A Piece of my Story, my Heart, and a Little Song of "Summer"

I drove along the familiar rode of 9th east in Salt Lake, thinking how tired and exhausted I was; partly from serious discipline in not talking to the one person I wanted to all day (another story for another day). I got to my class and thought I was crazy as I stood and stretched with the other dancers. The teacher quickly started teaching us the small to big progressive contemporary piece. I went through the motions numbly, letting the music fall around me, but still not making sense of anything.

Three-Fourths into the choreography the teacher began to explain whats going on to help us put emotion in the dance. She spoke of the messes we each have in our lives and how there comes a point where we can't repress anymore and have to "turn ourselves in," moving away from our past and into the future. I stood utterly dumbfounded and felt my tiredness/sadness quickly shift to express the emotions I've been feeling for the past 4 years of my own healing process from my life messes.

As I watched each dancer freely move I had tears well up in my eyes. "Don't you worry now, it's all about to change.""Don't run away from all this, it can cause more than you think."As I danced through the movement and song lyrics I felt my "mess" of guilt, shame, hate, and fear come up and out as if I was literally, vulnerably "turning myself in," once again.

I walked to my car with the biggest, free-est, sigh of relief I've had in months. I couldn't even turn on my radio because how in awe I was and didn't want to lose the feeling and dance I just learned; The movement, emotions, song, and people I just danced with. My tiredness just an hour previous had changed. Instantly my heart filled with gratitude for my health, for my mess, and all I've "turned in" the past 4 years.

As I drove home in outward silence my mind FLASHED:

I saw myself walking off an airplane in my once tight skirt loosely laying on my body. My family met me with tears in their eyes, hugs in their arms, and apple sauce and coconut water in their hands. I remember my brothers rushing to get me a wheel chair because walking was too much for my body to handle. How I had the strength to fly home from across the country, by myself, is still a mystery to me. The next few months were filled with the reality of not being able to do things as I used to. Walking was a chore. Talking to people took every ounce of energy I no longer had. And eating was extremely difficult because most things I ate my body wouldn't digest.

The months went on and my "mess" kept coming up; involuntarily, but my body had had enough of repressing and running for almost 15 years.

All of a sudden one day the words in the song "Don't you worry now it's all about to change," whooshed over me and I began talking about abuse that happened long ago. Abuse I'd ran so far away from and repressed so deep that my mind had "forgotten."

**Mothers day 2012- I sat in my moms car as we drove to get me some food. All of a sudden hidden words came up and out. "Mom remember (name not added for personal reasons)? Well when I was really little he hurt me, sexually." I watched her sink in her seat with sorrow and regret wishing she could have done something more to protect me. She told me how she and my dad always thought he was a creep and tried to keep us away from him as much as she could. Eventually I told her how he would sit me on his lap and stick his tongue in my mouth never loosing a moment to tell me how beautiful I was. The flashes of bedrooms and the day when Annie (my brave little sister) and I sat in his stupid red truck telling him we never wanted to see him again and that he made us uncomfortable, flooded my mind.

Years passed by and he eventually left us "alone," besides the constant years of bringing "gifts," for when I graduated high-school and even researching my illness when I came home from my mission.

Since that day I first opened up to my mom a lot has changed and happened. I have grown in ways I never thought I would as well as broke down in ways I never imagined. I've told family members, close friends, bishops, therapists, and even the police. The lies that "someone or something will get hurt if I tell anyone" began to fade away learning and watching it not come true. Though he hasn't yet faced consequences fully of his actions I have confidence that by me speaking up maybe someone else like me will have the courage to tell their story (appropriately and in the right order of course) and start the long healing process of the mess that abuse causes: whether its emotional, physical, or sexual. All abuse effects our bodies and minds. Especially when repressed. Hopefully that their repression doesn't go so far as mine did and still does at times (a constant effort to remind myself its okay not to "run" anymore).

Though I've "turned my mess in" in many ways, it still comes up from time to time but is not as nearly as bad as it was almost exactly 4 years ago when I walked off the airplane from Nashville Tennessee.

I continued to drive home as my mind flashed back to the present and continued in immense gratitude for where my body, mind, and spirit are today. The fact that I am even able to still dance is a miracle to me and makes me grateful for all the "mess" I allowed myself to "turn in" so my body can experience life the way we were meant to:

working through pain to better understand joy.

"Don't you worry now...
It's all..
To change."

Indeed it is... and indeed it has.

"Summer" by Hayden Calnin
Feel free to listen. We don't begin the dance till around the 2:12 part in the song as its a slow, powerful, repetitive song. The music video is a little sad about a girl cheating on her boyfriend-I guess that is her mess she gets to work through-because we all have our "messes" right? Some serious and some not as big, but they all matter and are important to face and heal.

Wednesday, April 1

The Phone Call (not a weird scary movie phone call)

Ever find yourself wanting to sing out in the middle of your day the old song "Where is the Love," by Black Eyed Peas? Maybe you find yourself wanting to sing it to the person who just cut you off on the street. Or maybe you want to sing it when you teacher handed you that paper you'd been working hard on with a big fat D on it. How about when you find out the guy you've been dating the past few months hasn't been talking to you for a week straight because he actually just got another girl preggers (true story in the life of a close friend). There is also the one time when you find out a future employer doesn't really want to hire you. Or maybe a person you've been engaged to for months just let you know that they didn't feel they could continue forward. Lastly, maybe in the moment you found out your loved one has passed away. Life can be filled with moments of disappointment, moments that cause you to question if love even exists.. if hope is real.

Yesterday I received a phone call I'd been waiting on for a few months. I was left feeling I could scream this phrase... Where is the love people!? After working so hard for years on letting go, this was the final thing I thought would bring peace and help me let go. I went into the situation realizing it could go both ways.. until I got the news and I was disappointed beyond all belief. How could someone get away with living in lies?

After letting myself cry a little and be mad, I realized what's the point? Why let someone have one ounce of power anymore? It's important we face our emotions, our past, whatever it may be affecting our present, but what happens when you've already faced so much and its time to let it go? How do you do it? How do you just let something go that's been hunting you for so long? And how do you know if its really time?

I guess these are questions we figure out more as life continues forward. I think though, sometimes letting go is doing all we can to make something right and then letting go of the control, the need to make things right and accepting it as it is; seeing where you can move from there. Like a person that comes to a cliff to find out they can't move on anymore.. until they soon realize they have just what they need to climb down, the talent and equipment.

A few months ago as I was in the thick of it, my heart was in the tune of the song "Sounds like Somewhere," by Lily and Madeline "Someday I'll find the right words, and I'll bloom where I was planted long ago, until then I'll be waiting, hoping, to one day let go."

Sometimes letting go is as simple as turning away from what hurt you. Maybe it's as simple as saying no to an old habit. Sometimes it isn't as simple and you take it one day at a time, letting go a little each day those things that weigh you down, remembering there are much brighter things to come.

As I wrote a letter with all my thoughts and feelings regarding my disappointment I felt a bit of freedom. I went to burn the letter hoping to signify moving forward, I found myself not really needing what I've held onto for so long. The anger, sadness, regret, confusion, hate, and worthlessness got swallowed up in fire. I waited for tears to come but the tears never came. I walked away a little lighter. Remember letting go is a process, the first step to it is turning away (at least in my case).

We may never have the answer to our questions and somedays we may find the urge to sing the song "where is the love." But what I've learned is those unanswered questions, disappointments, heart aches, and moments of letting go lead down paths we've never imagined. Despite suffering I've been through, or watching the suffering of people I love, I believe love does exist and hope is real. Sometimes all it takes to realize it, is: letting go.

"Start shaping your own day. Start walking your own walk. This journey is yours, take charge of it. Stop giving other people the power to shape your life." - Steve Maraboli

Wednesday, January 28



Eat the a quarter of the loaf of gluten free bread before it's actually Finished baking. 
enCourage dumpster diving for my after school kids art projects. Useful stuff I tell you.
Recycled" green team" mascot made by PauBlo
Try to learn Spanish so I can speak to my kids...but somehow only can remember how to say sea horse. (Cabiyto De mar).
 warm a cup of dark chocolate in the microwave and eat it all. 
Fantasize about when I'm moving to Hawaii (okay mostly all the time)

Like going on hikes alone.

Say jokes that are slightly offensive but I don't mean them to be. 

Have people that hate me because" my happiness makes them grumpy."


Am sad. But can quickly become happy by thinking about ridiculously random things.
The kids at my school call me mother. Or say things like" miss Allie, you're sexy." :/ 6 year olds. 

Write a blog post instead of homework. (Right now).
 get distracted while helping a little person and next thing I know there is permanent ink on his face and mine.

 can only get a certain person to lunch by showing them pictures of wolves.
My roomie and I go on hikes with out spikes in our shoes and have to slide on our bums Down. 

In order for my phone to work I have to drop it or slam it on my thigh.
And sometimes every now and then good ol s word slips out of my mouth like when my bro smooshed me in bear lakE. And let's be honest it's more Than sometimes.

Actually listen to Instructions. Very very very rare. But occasionally it happens. 

Am random. Okay just kidding mostly all the time. 


Al bubbles

Saturday, July 12

Stop it.

Have you ever felt like you’re not enough? Maybe you were teased growing up? Maybe you put labels on yourself? If so, I know where you’re coming from. I’ve experienced all of these.

I remember times of being made fun of in Elementary school: that I was awkward. I remember one girl sneezing all the time when I was around her  saying, “ I think I have allergies, and its to you.” Or the time in Jr. High when I was called fat. Not to mention the countless times I’ve been labeled too slow, dumb blonde (before I was blonde), not smart enough, shy, etc. As time went on I began to believe all these lies- even though I would pretend otherwise by over compensating. When I looked in the mirrior I saw a girl who was stupid, shy, awkward, silly, dumb, fat, etc. Not only did I let people bully me but long after they were done I began to bully myself. After I was really sick I remember people saying things like: well you’re just really fragile and weak. One guy even had the audacity to say “well maybe we are just not meant to be friends because we like to do fun things and you can’t because you’ll just break down and get sick.” What the? I’m not sure why I let people treat me like that... maybe because I just wanted to be accepted by anyone really. Maybe fear of standing up for myself that I’d get made fun of more or worse IN TROUBLE.

But when it comes to bullying, even if its self bullying, I’m starting to adapt the phrase of Elder Utchdorf, “Stop It!"

I wish that we would be a little bit kinder. A little bit more understanding. And a little bit more loving. You never know the situation someone is in that may be making them a little “awkward, weak, slow, etc.” So before we start to label someone, even ourselves, I hope we’ll stop and remember who we really are. Children of a God who created us to be like him: Magnificent, loving, kind, creative, hopeful, faithful, patient, understanding, joyful, humorous, wise, virtuous, pure, and so much more. Not that I’m perfect at all this, but I guess I’m just trying to express my hopes.

So here’s to being me and loving it more than ever; Not that it’s been easy to discard what I’ve believed myself to be my whole life (a whole grieving process in itself). But the progress I have made is something I’m proud of. I’m happy to be me. As awkward as that may be at times and hope it inspires others to love themselves too. With whatever weakness or quark they may have. You are beautiful; Because you are you. And no one has experienced life the way you have. You are unique.

Girl power. 

I love love love these like girls. 

Sunday, March 16

Courage and the Spring Break I'll never forget.

Sometimes life hurls us into places we never thought we'd go. 
At 12 years old I would have never thought I would only have 7 more years to enjoy with my dad.
If I would have know that I probably would have been a little more grateful, kind, loving, appreciative,
and present... instead of trying to run away from what I thought was broken (more to explain on that later).

But you wanna know what? I've come to learn that all that we
go through helps us in someway become the people God sees in us to become.
 Not that I needed my dad to pass away to become my full potential, but, that excruciating pain
of loosing someone I loved so much, helped me realize that there are more things within me than I would
have ever thought.

It's been 5 years today from when I found out my dad passed away. I can still remember that day like a movie playing on a screen in front of me. I was getting ready to leave to California with my friends. My very first real spring break in college. I remember feeling so grown up to be going on my first trip far away with friends. The morning before we were going to leave I was helping my grandpa out at his house. He received a call from my mom while we were standing in his kitchen. The sun was shinning in the room bright and clear almost like a bright dream. I was taking something out of a bag when I saw tears rolling down my grandpa's face. I had seen my grandpa cry before but it was very rare so I knew something was up. When he got off the phone he told me I needed to go home and gave me a hug. I felt so weird. Like I was a little school girl who's teacher told them to go home with out any explanation.  As I drove home almost in a daze (which to be honest is perfectly normal for me anyways) I drove past my dad's house on the way to my moms. I remember seeing a bunch of ambulances and cop cars (at least that's how my mind remembers it). The brave woman that I pretend to be thought maybe my dad's house had been robbed and I wanted to turn around and give those robbers a piece of my mind. Just as I was about to turn around, a still voice gently said "go home to your mother." I then kept driving towards my mom's house (for those of you who don't know with my parents being divorced they only lived about a block away from each other). When I got home my mom was sitting in her usually spot on the porch. When she saw me it was almost like a deer in the headlights-like she didn't know what she was going to do with me. I was so confused. This is when she came to me an with stumbled words falling out of her mouth that my dad had passed away. I couldn't breath. My world had stopped and all I knew was I was being embraced in my moms arms and nothing else existed. Needless to say I never made it on my first "big girl" trip with my friends.... but I will never forget that spring break for the rest of my life. Never before have I felt so embraced in God's love. That things were going to be okay. 

This is just the beginning of where I started to feel hurled into becoming who I am today.
So much has changed since that day. And I feel the only way I can show that is through a few pictures.

my bro and sister got baptized!
moe became part of our family

I served a mission and met some of the best people on this earth.

I learned I have crazy food allergies
I learned I like riding road bikes.. when I used to be afraid of them (my dad's bike ^)
I've become more independent and okay with the weird person I am at times.
I experimented and also learned I love to long board. a Lot.

Moe got a friend.
I moved to USU and had some of the best roommates a girl could ask for (seriously).

I got to nanny for many different families.

I decided I like wearing two pieces. Not to show off but because I can.

My brother has gotten huge.

I've tried a variety of different foods to learn what I like and don't like with food restrictions.

I tried to skate board. It didn't last long.

I died my hair red. And then went back brunette..

A few of my best friends had babies and I love them like my own family.

umm... I still wear whatever I want.

I love my brothers more.

Been to a lot of weddings.

taken lots of family pictures.

my second trip to California after the cancellation of the first one.
transfered to the U for my last couple semesters of College

Made new friends from all walks of life.
learned I love to play soccer.. especially in a cheeseburger xxl shirt.

Of the many friends that have gotten married I was super excited for this girls wedding day! 

And this is a picture of the many times I've gotten hurt.

me today. Still smiling. Maybe just a little bit older, stronger, wiser, weirder, and whatever else.

As you can tell....a lot has changed in just 5 years. But a few things have stayed the same.. like the fact that I still have a dad and a mom who love me. Two brothers and two sisters I will continue to love more and more every day. And even the fact that I'm still 5'3 and still haven't grown the 3 more inches I swear I still am going to grow. 

I miss my dad everyday. But I know he's near. That he loves me. And that he is proud of who I'm becoming. Just because someone passes away doesn't mean they are forever gone. It's the opposite.. they are closer than they ever were.

Saturday, February 8

honesty, mistakes, and a good human.

I love this human.

So I have this friends that refers to people as humans. Like for example: "They are a good human. ... I like that human." It rubbed off, to say the least and I like to call people human instead of by there names.

That doesn't really have anything to do with what I wanted to say. I haven't blogged in a while so I'm a little rusty. I guess its been a while because other more important things have got in the way like: a new job, school, and relationships. And then I guess you could say unimportant things have gotten in my way like: instagram, facebook, music and how I can get lost listening to it for hours.. etc. Not that these things are bad but sometimes they distract from other things maybe more important (I've been working on turning my phone off and putting it away at times to help).

But anyways its been a while. And I feel like when I have blogged its been pretty much the same thing: life is hard, I'm trying to live it the best I can, etc. Which is true but I don't want people to think that's all I do is endure life (though sometimes that's what we have to do).. not that I care what people think (jk something else I've been working on).

So recently some cool stuff has happened in my life:
kourt don't hate me.
1. I have a new job. Not only that but I got to work with one of my best friends for two months of training. This is kinda a big deal (not the working with my bff/wifey part) because if any of you know me you know that I've pretty much only nannied my whole life besides the 3 months I "survived" Baskin Robins-good times. So you can only image the types of mistakes I've made or make. Like answering phones for example.. you think I'd be able to handle that I mean I talk to humans* every day. Ya no. I'm pretty sure Kourt rolled her eyes and wanted to shrink in her chair the first couple times I picked up the phone. The best being "Hi this is Colonial.." Ya, I answered the phone with me being my company. It's definelty been a learning process and I feel like I've learned so much just these 3 months I've worked there.

miss painting rocks.

It's way different from watching and playing with kids everyday. I feel like I crawled out of the "mommy/ caretaker cave" and entered real life with people who could possible yell at me not just because I didn't get them some carrots they wanted but because I messed up a really important order. And I don't mean that in any way offensive to stay at home moms because being a mommy/caretaker is reality and an amazing duty. I guess I'm just trying to say its different and I'm learning a lot and I'm actually liking it a lot. Money is super interesting to me and especially how people choose to invest it and how they feel towards it. Soon enough though I'll be in my normal environment with "Aunt Allie's Preschool." Just you wait.

2. I've discovered new parts about me I never thought were there. Like how sometimes I get really angry and I have to figure out how to deal with things I think are unfair (thats how anger triggers anyways, right). So I've been able to start a new combat class (like boxing with out the hitting people part) to help cope with those things that I view are unfair: like someone feeling entitled to me helping them because I'm simply there. Or the fact that I can't eat the things I used to. I never thought I had it in me to be a "fighter." But when I'm in class I turn into this new person and I love being able to imagine all those things I hate and fight them off. **** and side note lets be honest we all knew I had it in me to be mad...-fits of rage has always been an inside joke for my friends towards me... but I guess I liked to believe I handled my anger well by shoving it deep and far away from my acknowledgement.. Little did I know this isn't healthy. I've learned that emotions are real and you just have to figure out how to deal with them in a good way-which can be different for everyone.

3. I'm in my last couple semesters of school.. which means some of my hardest classes yet. Good thing I only have about 9 more credit hours till I graduate! I've taken some really cool classes that have helped me have new perspectives in so many ways. And I love the U.. I really should have just gone there from the get go. But I'm glad for the experiences I've had every where else.

4. I've been able to do way more with my body than I have in these past two years! My energy has been so amazing. I've figured out ways to get through my day with out passing out or just plan getting really sick. I still have tough days but I've really grown so much.

5. My older sister Robyn moved home (not sure if I already mentioned this). This is huge because growing up we hated each other. If you can think of the two most opposite people and imagine them interacting... ya could be interesting. That is me and Robyn. The thing I've learned though is how much we have in common. Like how we are both old time hippies. We both love our organic food,organic shampoo (or just not showering), freedoms, etc. The best part is she's becoming one of my best friends... even though sometimes I wanna punch her. Like the times she came into my room super drunk to capture "angry" pictures of me. Yay. Lets just say those are cherished moments.

Cool stuff, right?

Who knows what else is in store with in this next year, but I believe there are many good things ahead like:

Graduating. Applying to Grad school. Some auditions I'm planning on participating in (more on that later). And just plan figuring out life with a laugh and sometimes a scream.

Life is good people. humans. friends. Whatever you want to be called.

life is good.

Oh also P.s. My two best friends with in the past year have had babies and I like them a lot. :)

Wednesday, December 25

"Don't be afraid, I will hold you up." Isaiah 41:10

Never before have I learned the truthfulness of this quote till now.

 Do you ever feel like you are just fighting... constantly fighting for something more. That is how I have felt these past couple weeks. With the end of one of my hardest semesters yet just last week I feel blessed, to even be here in this moment and done with it all... at least that's what I thought (my teachers going to let me make up a few assignments to hopefully help me pass his class).

Since being in school since I came back from my mission 2 years ago really sick, its been a struggle and fight. I have no idea how I even managed good grades when I moved up to Logan just 3 months after being home and trying to figure out my new diet. After two semesters at USU I figured I should probably go home for a little while to try to balance my health for a few months. With all my family and friends hoping that I would just give in a finally go to the U.. I had it in my mind to try USU one more time ( I guess I wanted to prove that I really could balance my health while being in school and away from home). It was another struggle of a semester which ended in me finalizing my application to the U for fall 2013.

When moving back to Salt Lake for good.. I knew it would be better for my health and fiances overall. But I guess sometimes I didn't expect the constant struggle I feel I have. Most people, I feel, can go through school/ life in a breeze. They just natural get how to balance their health, school, work, friends, homework, exercise, etc. Or at least that's what I think. But maybe the truth is we are all trying to struggle and fight something, even if its not visible.

This past semester I switched jobs half way through. Which has been such a huge blessing but definitely mentally challenging considering all I've ever done in my life is nanny.. oh and we'll count those 3 months I worked at Baskin Robins too. With that I had a professor that didn't seem so tough till I managed to quickly fail his classes I had- who would have thought a family class could be so hard? And we wont even go into details with the dating realm.. mostly I've been in the process of no longer dating the same guy I tend to attract to over and over again (good thing I have friends who are fed up with it too and are helping me say NO). Not to mention the anger I've been and am working through. I never realized how much I've bottled up inside till now.

http://media-cache-ec0.pinimg.com/originals/31/2b/be/312bbe3b578f341d9402007e2b7b6e6f.jpgDespite the struggles, I feel these past couple years I can honestly say I've seen so much growth. While talking with my Aunt the other day she said "you've sure come a long way Allie." She was saying this towards my health and the strength I've developed. It's amazing the strength that comes through struggle. Not only strength but the appreciation, love, and discovery for myself. I have so much more respect for who I am than ever before. I know better what I can and cannot do, and I don't beat myself up when I can't run the 10 miles I so easily could do 3 years ago (okay lets be honest I could push through it because I'm stubborn.. but I know its not the best decision for me). And lastly I had to put to test my old motto of finding joy in the journey, when at times joy seemed far from what I was experiencing.

How have I managed this?
-Encouragement from friends and family
-Laughing at my mistakes.
-Trying again even though I managed to fail too many times to count
-Changed old habits
-Tried spending more time with my family.
-I've done better at trusting myself
-Yoga and Zumba have helped in many ways.
-I've done better at communicating and participating with my teachers and in my classes. Something I've always been really bad at.
-decided that I'm going to focus on the good that is possible in my future instead of wallowing in the fact that sometimes I feel so helpless and hopeless (especially when for the 15th time I've eaten something I know I shouldn't have... or when my clumsy self ran into someone full speed causing weakness).
-I've tried to be nicer to myself when I do mess up (which I do a lot turns out) and realize I can try again and that its not the end of the world.

During the break I will try to post some pictures of my last semesters and the fun times I've had. :) Love you!

Isaiah            "...That's when I carried you."