Wednesday, December 25

"Don't be afraid, I will hold you up." Isaiah 41:10

Never before have I learned the truthfulness of this quote till now.

 Do you ever feel like you are just fighting... constantly fighting for something more. That is how I have felt these past couple weeks. With the end of one of my hardest semesters yet just last week I feel blessed, to even be here in this moment and done with it all... at least that's what I thought (my teachers going to let me make up a few assignments to hopefully help me pass his class).

Since being in school since I came back from my mission 2 years ago really sick, its been a struggle and fight. I have no idea how I even managed good grades when I moved up to Logan just 3 months after being home and trying to figure out my new diet. After two semesters at USU I figured I should probably go home for a little while to try to balance my health for a few months. With all my family and friends hoping that I would just give in a finally go to the U.. I had it in my mind to try USU one more time ( I guess I wanted to prove that I really could balance my health while being in school and away from home). It was another struggle of a semester which ended in me finalizing my application to the U for fall 2013.

When moving back to Salt Lake for good.. I knew it would be better for my health and fiances overall. But I guess sometimes I didn't expect the constant struggle I feel I have. Most people, I feel, can go through school/ life in a breeze. They just natural get how to balance their health, school, work, friends, homework, exercise, etc. Or at least that's what I think. But maybe the truth is we are all trying to struggle and fight something, even if its not visible.

This past semester I switched jobs half way through. Which has been such a huge blessing but definitely mentally challenging considering all I've ever done in my life is nanny.. oh and we'll count those 3 months I worked at Baskin Robins too. With that I had a professor that didn't seem so tough till I managed to quickly fail his classes I had- who would have thought a family class could be so hard? And we wont even go into details with the dating realm.. mostly I've been in the process of no longer dating the same guy I tend to attract to over and over again (good thing I have friends who are fed up with it too and are helping me say NO). Not to mention the anger I've been and am working through. I never realized how much I've bottled up inside till now. the struggles, I feel these past couple years I can honestly say I've seen so much growth. While talking with my Aunt the other day she said "you've sure come a long way Allie." She was saying this towards my health and the strength I've developed. It's amazing the strength that comes through struggle. Not only strength but the appreciation, love, and discovery for myself. I have so much more respect for who I am than ever before. I know better what I can and cannot do, and I don't beat myself up when I can't run the 10 miles I so easily could do 3 years ago (okay lets be honest I could push through it because I'm stubborn.. but I know its not the best decision for me). And lastly I had to put to test my old motto of finding joy in the journey, when at times joy seemed far from what I was experiencing.

How have I managed this?
-Encouragement from friends and family
-Laughing at my mistakes.
-Trying again even though I managed to fail too many times to count
-Changed old habits
-Tried spending more time with my family.
-I've done better at trusting myself
-Yoga and Zumba have helped in many ways.
-I've done better at communicating and participating with my teachers and in my classes. Something I've always been really bad at.
-decided that I'm going to focus on the good that is possible in my future instead of wallowing in the fact that sometimes I feel so helpless and hopeless (especially when for the 15th time I've eaten something I know I shouldn't have... or when my clumsy self ran into someone full speed causing weakness).
-I've tried to be nicer to myself when I do mess up (which I do a lot turns out) and realize I can try again and that its not the end of the world.

During the break I will try to post some pictures of my last semesters and the fun times I've had. :) Love you!

Isaiah            "...That's when I carried you."

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