Saturday, July 12

Stop it.

Have you ever felt like you’re not enough? Maybe you were teased growing up? Maybe you put labels on yourself? If so, I know where you’re coming from. I’ve experienced all of these.

I remember times of being made fun of in Elementary school: that I was awkward. I remember one girl sneezing all the time when I was around her  saying, “ I think I have allergies, and its to you.” Or the time in Jr. High when I was called fat. Not to mention the countless times I’ve been labeled too slow, dumb blonde (before I was blonde), not smart enough, shy, etc. As time went on I began to believe all these lies- even though I would pretend otherwise by over compensating. When I looked in the mirrior I saw a girl who was stupid, shy, awkward, silly, dumb, fat, etc. Not only did I let people bully me but long after they were done I began to bully myself. After I was really sick I remember people saying things like: well you’re just really fragile and weak. One guy even had the audacity to say “well maybe we are just not meant to be friends because we like to do fun things and you can’t because you’ll just break down and get sick.” What the? I’m not sure why I let people treat me like that... maybe because I just wanted to be accepted by anyone really. Maybe fear of standing up for myself that I’d get made fun of more or worse IN TROUBLE.

But when it comes to bullying, even if its self bullying, I’m starting to adapt the phrase of Elder Utchdorf, “Stop It!"

I wish that we would be a little bit kinder. A little bit more understanding. And a little bit more loving. You never know the situation someone is in that may be making them a little “awkward, weak, slow, etc.” So before we start to label someone, even ourselves, I hope we’ll stop and remember who we really are. Children of a God who created us to be like him: Magnificent, loving, kind, creative, hopeful, faithful, patient, understanding, joyful, humorous, wise, virtuous, pure, and so much more. Not that I’m perfect at all this, but I guess I’m just trying to express my hopes.

So here’s to being me and loving it more than ever; Not that it’s been easy to discard what I’ve believed myself to be my whole life (a whole grieving process in itself). But the progress I have made is something I’m proud of. I’m happy to be me. As awkward as that may be at times and hope it inspires others to love themselves too. With whatever weakness or quark they may have. You are beautiful; Because you are you. And no one has experienced life the way you have. You are unique.

Girl power. 

I love love love these like girls. 

Sunday, March 16

Courage and the Spring Break I'll never forget.

Sometimes life hurls us into places we never thought we'd go. 
At 12 years old I would have never thought I would only have 7 more years to enjoy with my dad.
If I would have know that I probably would have been a little more grateful, kind, loving, appreciative,
and present... instead of trying to run away from what I thought was broken (more to explain on that later).

But you wanna know what? I've come to learn that all that we
go through helps us in someway become the people God sees in us to become.
 Not that I needed my dad to pass away to become my full potential, but, that excruciating pain
of loosing someone I loved so much, helped me realize that there are more things within me than I would
have ever thought.

It's been 5 years today from when I found out my dad passed away. I can still remember that day like a movie playing on a screen in front of me. I was getting ready to leave to California with my friends. My very first real spring break in college. I remember feeling so grown up to be going on my first trip far away with friends. The morning before we were going to leave I was helping my grandpa out at his house. He received a call from my mom while we were standing in his kitchen. The sun was shinning in the room bright and clear almost like a bright dream. I was taking something out of a bag when I saw tears rolling down my grandpa's face. I had seen my grandpa cry before but it was very rare so I knew something was up. When he got off the phone he told me I needed to go home and gave me a hug. I felt so weird. Like I was a little school girl who's teacher told them to go home with out any explanation.  As I drove home almost in a daze (which to be honest is perfectly normal for me anyways) I drove past my dad's house on the way to my moms. I remember seeing a bunch of ambulances and cop cars (at least that's how my mind remembers it). The brave woman that I pretend to be thought maybe my dad's house had been robbed and I wanted to turn around and give those robbers a piece of my mind. Just as I was about to turn around, a still voice gently said "go home to your mother." I then kept driving towards my mom's house (for those of you who don't know with my parents being divorced they only lived about a block away from each other). When I got home my mom was sitting in her usually spot on the porch. When she saw me it was almost like a deer in the headlights-like she didn't know what she was going to do with me. I was so confused. This is when she came to me an with stumbled words falling out of her mouth that my dad had passed away. I couldn't breath. My world had stopped and all I knew was I was being embraced in my moms arms and nothing else existed. Needless to say I never made it on my first "big girl" trip with my friends.... but I will never forget that spring break for the rest of my life. Never before have I felt so embraced in God's love. That things were going to be okay. 

This is just the beginning of where I started to feel hurled into becoming who I am today.
So much has changed since that day. And I feel the only way I can show that is through a few pictures.

my bro and sister got baptized!
moe became part of our family

I served a mission and met some of the best people on this earth.

I learned I have crazy food allergies
I learned I like riding road bikes.. when I used to be afraid of them (my dad's bike ^)
I've become more independent and okay with the weird person I am at times.
I experimented and also learned I love to long board. a Lot.

Moe got a friend.
I moved to USU and had some of the best roommates a girl could ask for (seriously).

I got to nanny for many different families.

I decided I like wearing two pieces. Not to show off but because I can.

My brother has gotten huge.

I've tried a variety of different foods to learn what I like and don't like with food restrictions.

I tried to skate board. It didn't last long.

I died my hair red. And then went back brunette..

A few of my best friends had babies and I love them like my own family.

umm... I still wear whatever I want.

I love my brothers more.

Been to a lot of weddings.

taken lots of family pictures.

my second trip to California after the cancellation of the first one.
transfered to the U for my last couple semesters of College

Made new friends from all walks of life.
learned I love to play soccer.. especially in a cheeseburger xxl shirt.

Of the many friends that have gotten married I was super excited for this girls wedding day! 

And this is a picture of the many times I've gotten hurt.

me today. Still smiling. Maybe just a little bit older, stronger, wiser, weirder, and whatever else.

As you can tell....a lot has changed in just 5 years. But a few things have stayed the same.. like the fact that I still have a dad and a mom who love me. Two brothers and two sisters I will continue to love more and more every day. And even the fact that I'm still 5'3 and still haven't grown the 3 more inches I swear I still am going to grow. 

I miss my dad everyday. But I know he's near. That he loves me. And that he is proud of who I'm becoming. Just because someone passes away doesn't mean they are forever gone. It's the opposite.. they are closer than they ever were.

Saturday, February 8

honesty, mistakes, and a good human.

I love this human.

So I have this friends that refers to people as humans. Like for example: "They are a good human. ... I like that human." It rubbed off, to say the least and I like to call people human instead of by there names.

That doesn't really have anything to do with what I wanted to say. I haven't blogged in a while so I'm a little rusty. I guess its been a while because other more important things have got in the way like: a new job, school, and relationships. And then I guess you could say unimportant things have gotten in my way like: instagram, facebook, music and how I can get lost listening to it for hours.. etc. Not that these things are bad but sometimes they distract from other things maybe more important (I've been working on turning my phone off and putting it away at times to help).

But anyways its been a while. And I feel like when I have blogged its been pretty much the same thing: life is hard, I'm trying to live it the best I can, etc. Which is true but I don't want people to think that's all I do is endure life (though sometimes that's what we have to do).. not that I care what people think (jk something else I've been working on).

So recently some cool stuff has happened in my life:
kourt don't hate me.
1. I have a new job. Not only that but I got to work with one of my best friends for two months of training. This is kinda a big deal (not the working with my bff/wifey part) because if any of you know me you know that I've pretty much only nannied my whole life besides the 3 months I "survived" Baskin Robins-good times. So you can only image the types of mistakes I've made or make. Like answering phones for example.. you think I'd be able to handle that I mean I talk to humans* every day. Ya no. I'm pretty sure Kourt rolled her eyes and wanted to shrink in her chair the first couple times I picked up the phone. The best being "Hi this is Colonial.." Ya, I answered the phone with me being my company. It's definelty been a learning process and I feel like I've learned so much just these 3 months I've worked there.

miss painting rocks.

It's way different from watching and playing with kids everyday. I feel like I crawled out of the "mommy/ caretaker cave" and entered real life with people who could possible yell at me not just because I didn't get them some carrots they wanted but because I messed up a really important order. And I don't mean that in any way offensive to stay at home moms because being a mommy/caretaker is reality and an amazing duty. I guess I'm just trying to say its different and I'm learning a lot and I'm actually liking it a lot. Money is super interesting to me and especially how people choose to invest it and how they feel towards it. Soon enough though I'll be in my normal environment with "Aunt Allie's Preschool." Just you wait.

2. I've discovered new parts about me I never thought were there. Like how sometimes I get really angry and I have to figure out how to deal with things I think are unfair (thats how anger triggers anyways, right). So I've been able to start a new combat class (like boxing with out the hitting people part) to help cope with those things that I view are unfair: like someone feeling entitled to me helping them because I'm simply there. Or the fact that I can't eat the things I used to. I never thought I had it in me to be a "fighter." But when I'm in class I turn into this new person and I love being able to imagine all those things I hate and fight them off. **** and side note lets be honest we all knew I had it in me to be mad...-fits of rage has always been an inside joke for my friends towards me... but I guess I liked to believe I handled my anger well by shoving it deep and far away from my acknowledgement.. Little did I know this isn't healthy. I've learned that emotions are real and you just have to figure out how to deal with them in a good way-which can be different for everyone.

3. I'm in my last couple semesters of school.. which means some of my hardest classes yet. Good thing I only have about 9 more credit hours till I graduate! I've taken some really cool classes that have helped me have new perspectives in so many ways. And I love the U.. I really should have just gone there from the get go. But I'm glad for the experiences I've had every where else.

4. I've been able to do way more with my body than I have in these past two years! My energy has been so amazing. I've figured out ways to get through my day with out passing out or just plan getting really sick. I still have tough days but I've really grown so much.

5. My older sister Robyn moved home (not sure if I already mentioned this). This is huge because growing up we hated each other. If you can think of the two most opposite people and imagine them interacting... ya could be interesting. That is me and Robyn. The thing I've learned though is how much we have in common. Like how we are both old time hippies. We both love our organic food,organic shampoo (or just not showering), freedoms, etc. The best part is she's becoming one of my best friends... even though sometimes I wanna punch her. Like the times she came into my room super drunk to capture "angry" pictures of me. Yay. Lets just say those are cherished moments.

Cool stuff, right?

Who knows what else is in store with in this next year, but I believe there are many good things ahead like:

Graduating. Applying to Grad school. Some auditions I'm planning on participating in (more on that later). And just plan figuring out life with a laugh and sometimes a scream.

Life is good people. humans. friends. Whatever you want to be called.

life is good.

Oh also P.s. My two best friends with in the past year have had babies and I like them a lot. :)