Tuesday, September 8

A Piece of my Story, my Heart, and a Little Song of "Summer"

I drove along the familiar rode of 9th east in Salt Lake, thinking how tired and exhausted I was; partly from serious discipline in not talking to the one person I wanted to all day (another story for another day). I got to my class and thought I was crazy as I stood and stretched with the other dancers. The teacher quickly started teaching us the small to big progressive contemporary piece. I went through the motions numbly, letting the music fall around me, but still not making sense of anything.

Three-Fourths into the choreography the teacher began to explain whats going on to help us put emotion in the dance. She spoke of the messes we each have in our lives and how there comes a point where we can't repress anymore and have to "turn ourselves in," moving away from our past and into the future. I stood utterly dumbfounded and felt my tiredness/sadness quickly shift to express the emotions I've been feeling for the past 4 years of my own healing process from my life messes.

As I watched each dancer freely move I had tears well up in my eyes. "Don't you worry now, it's all about to change.""Don't run away from all this, it can cause more than you think."As I danced through the movement and song lyrics I felt my "mess" of guilt, shame, hate, and fear come up and out as if I was literally, vulnerably "turning myself in," once again.

I walked to my car with the biggest, free-est, sigh of relief I've had in months. I couldn't even turn on my radio because how in awe I was and didn't want to lose the feeling and dance I just learned; The movement, emotions, song, and people I just danced with. My tiredness just an hour previous had changed. Instantly my heart filled with gratitude for my health, for my mess, and all I've "turned in" the past 4 years.

As I drove home in outward silence my mind FLASHED:

I saw myself walking off an airplane in my once tight skirt loosely laying on my body. My family met me with tears in their eyes, hugs in their arms, and apple sauce and coconut water in their hands. I remember my brothers rushing to get me a wheel chair because walking was too much for my body to handle. How I had the strength to fly home from across the country, by myself, is still a mystery to me. The next few months were filled with the reality of not being able to do things as I used to. Walking was a chore. Talking to people took every ounce of energy I no longer had. And eating was extremely difficult because most things I ate my body wouldn't digest.

The months went on and my "mess" kept coming up; involuntarily, but my body had had enough of repressing and running for almost 15 years.

All of a sudden one day the words in the song "Don't you worry now it's all about to change," whooshed over me and I began talking about abuse that happened long ago. Abuse I'd ran so far away from and repressed so deep that my mind had "forgotten."

**Mothers day 2012- I sat in my moms car as we drove to get me some food. All of a sudden hidden words came up and out. "Mom remember (name not added for personal reasons)? Well when I was really little he hurt me, sexually." I watched her sink in her seat with sorrow and regret wishing she could have done something more to protect me. She told me how she and my dad always thought he was a creep and tried to keep us away from him as much as she could. Eventually I told her how he would sit me on his lap and stick his tongue in my mouth never loosing a moment to tell me how beautiful I was. The flashes of bedrooms and the day when Annie (my brave little sister) and I sat in his stupid red truck telling him we never wanted to see him again and that he made us uncomfortable, flooded my mind.

Years passed by and he eventually left us "alone," besides the constant years of bringing "gifts," for when I graduated high-school and even researching my illness when I came home from my mission.

Since that day I first opened up to my mom a lot has changed and happened. I have grown in ways I never thought I would as well as broke down in ways I never imagined. I've told family members, close friends, bishops, therapists, and even the police. The lies that "someone or something will get hurt if I tell anyone" began to fade away learning and watching it not come true. Though he hasn't yet faced consequences fully of his actions I have confidence that by me speaking up maybe someone else like me will have the courage to tell their story (appropriately and in the right order of course) and start the long healing process of the mess that abuse causes: whether its emotional, physical, or sexual. All abuse effects our bodies and minds. Especially when repressed. Hopefully that their repression doesn't go so far as mine did and still does at times (a constant effort to remind myself its okay not to "run" anymore).

Though I've "turned my mess in" in many ways, it still comes up from time to time but is not as nearly as bad as it was almost exactly 4 years ago when I walked off the airplane from Nashville Tennessee.

I continued to drive home as my mind flashed back to the present and continued in immense gratitude for where my body, mind, and spirit are today. The fact that I am even able to still dance is a miracle to me and makes me grateful for all the "mess" I allowed myself to "turn in" so my body can experience life the way we were meant to:

working through pain to better understand joy.

"Don't you worry now...
It's all..
To change."

Indeed it is... and indeed it has.

"Summer" by Hayden Calnin
Feel free to listen. We don't begin the dance till around the 2:12 part in the song as its a slow, powerful, repetitive song. The music video is a little sad about a girl cheating on her boyfriend-I guess that is her mess she gets to work through-because we all have our "messes" right? Some serious and some not as big, but they all matter and are important to face and heal.

Wednesday, April 1

The Phone Call (not a weird scary movie phone call)

Ever find yourself wanting to sing out in the middle of your day the old song "Where is the Love," by Black Eyed Peas? Maybe you find yourself wanting to sing it to the person who just cut you off on the street. Or maybe you want to sing it when you teacher handed you that paper you'd been working hard on with a big fat D on it. How about when you find out the guy you've been dating the past few months hasn't been talking to you for a week straight because he actually just got another girl preggers (true story in the life of a close friend). There is also the one time when you find out a future employer doesn't really want to hire you. Or maybe a person you've been engaged to for months just let you know that they didn't feel they could continue forward. Lastly, maybe in the moment you found out your loved one has passed away. Life can be filled with moments of disappointment, moments that cause you to question if love even exists.. if hope is real.

Yesterday I received a phone call I'd been waiting on for a few months. I was left feeling I could scream this phrase... Where is the love people!? After working so hard for years on letting go, this was the final thing I thought would bring peace and help me let go. I went into the situation realizing it could go both ways.. until I got the news and I was disappointed beyond all belief. How could someone get away with living in lies?

After letting myself cry a little and be mad, I realized what's the point? Why let someone have one ounce of power anymore? It's important we face our emotions, our past, whatever it may be affecting our present, but what happens when you've already faced so much and its time to let it go? How do you do it? How do you just let something go that's been hunting you for so long? And how do you know if its really time?

I guess these are questions we figure out more as life continues forward. I think though, sometimes letting go is doing all we can to make something right and then letting go of the control, the need to make things right and accepting it as it is; seeing where you can move from there. Like a person that comes to a cliff to find out they can't move on anymore.. until they soon realize they have just what they need to climb down, the talent and equipment.

A few months ago as I was in the thick of it, my heart was in the tune of the song "Sounds like Somewhere," by Lily and Madeline "Someday I'll find the right words, and I'll bloom where I was planted long ago, until then I'll be waiting, hoping, to one day let go."

Sometimes letting go is as simple as turning away from what hurt you. Maybe it's as simple as saying no to an old habit. Sometimes it isn't as simple and you take it one day at a time, letting go a little each day those things that weigh you down, remembering there are much brighter things to come.

As I wrote a letter with all my thoughts and feelings regarding my disappointment I felt a bit of freedom. I went to burn the letter hoping to signify moving forward, I found myself not really needing what I've held onto for so long. The anger, sadness, regret, confusion, hate, and worthlessness got swallowed up in fire. I waited for tears to come but the tears never came. I walked away a little lighter. Remember letting go is a process, the first step to it is turning away (at least in my case).

We may never have the answer to our questions and somedays we may find the urge to sing the song "where is the love." But what I've learned is those unanswered questions, disappointments, heart aches, and moments of letting go lead down paths we've never imagined. Despite suffering I've been through, or watching the suffering of people I love, I believe love does exist and hope is real. Sometimes all it takes to realize it, is: letting go.

"Start shaping your own day. Start walking your own walk. This journey is yours, take charge of it. Stop giving other people the power to shape your life." - Steve Maraboli

Wednesday, January 28



Eat the a quarter of the loaf of gluten free bread before it's actually Finished baking. 
enCourage dumpster diving for my after school kids art projects. Useful stuff I tell you.
Recycled" green team" mascot made by PauBlo
Try to learn Spanish so I can speak to my kids...but somehow only can remember how to say sea horse. (Cabiyto De mar).
 warm a cup of dark chocolate in the microwave and eat it all. 
Fantasize about when I'm moving to Hawaii (okay mostly all the time)

Like going on hikes alone.

Say jokes that are slightly offensive but I don't mean them to be. 

Have people that hate me because" my happiness makes them grumpy."


Am sad. But can quickly become happy by thinking about ridiculously random things.
The kids at my school call me mother. Or say things like" miss Allie, you're sexy." :/ 6 year olds. 

Write a blog post instead of homework. (Right now).
 get distracted while helping a little person and next thing I know there is permanent ink on his face and mine.

 can only get a certain person to lunch by showing them pictures of wolves.
My roomie and I go on hikes with out spikes in our shoes and have to slide on our bums Down. 

In order for my phone to work I have to drop it or slam it on my thigh.
And sometimes every now and then good ol s word slips out of my mouth like when my bro smooshed me in bear lakE. And let's be honest it's more Than sometimes.

Actually listen to Instructions. Very very very rare. But occasionally it happens. 

Am random. Okay just kidding mostly all the time. 


Al bubbles